Maggie Fern attends the Masters of Writing program at Coastal Carolina University. She also serves as an associate poetry editor at the literary journal Waccamaw.
I.
At the boutique I stand in white,
in consideration. There is a mirror,
and then there is my mother
and my father, he who is careful
not to look too long. You look
just like your mother, is all
he offers. There's something
slippery about the dress, its static
tulle netted around my hips, a fall
of ivory to my bare feet, spilling
out of itself like stormlight, white
like moon and Arkansas summer
like the creek behind the house
I grew up in, easily unleashed
& unspooled, not easily mine.
II.
The year after Katrina, my mother
brought me to St. Mary's Assumption
in New Orleans & stood me
in the open wound where she married
my father, the tiles now sunken
& muddy, the pillars ringed yellow
four feet high, & half the pews pulled
away or rotted by the storm surge.
I was 13 when she stood at the altar &
began sighing a homily of all the things
she has lost: not the hollow
aisle or the altar. Just a city,
just her finger. She looked to me
& said: You won't follow me
here.
III.
Every year since then, she's been
transfixed by water. I sense her fear
now, her eyes now like her eyes then,
when she watched the creek unfurl
during the October that saw
twenty-three days of rain,
when the dogs howled with their backs
against the house, howls like whimpers
as the glass night crept closer,
almost imperceptible in its large crawl —
Too much skin, she eyes my chest,
her eyes flickering toward my father,
toward a memory watered down
with gin, her glass dropped in a question:
Are you sleeping with her?
It was the lie that drowned her.
She's still picking at her skin,
mildewed in denial, still edging away
from my father when his glance
catches mine. I wonder how she'll take it
when he walks me down the aisle,
gives me to a man who ends the question.
Will she understand that I was never his
to give?
A few months before I married my husband, I came across the word trousseau, which is just a fancy way to refer to the clothing and belongings collected by a bride for her wedding. I began considering what I would wear on that day, particularly how I would inhabit a space that has always belonged to my mother, taking it on almost like a borrowed dress.